When the topic of Emotional Intelligence (EI) or Emotional Quotient (EQ) was first introduced, I developed an EI competency model with emotional self-awareness as the foundational competency. The model depicted the necessity of building a solid base of emotional self-awareness before progressing to enhancing the other Emotional Intelligence competencies (emotional self-management, emotional self-motivation, empathy and nurturing relationships). Yet, regardless of the crucial importance of emotional self-awareness, many of us go through our lives, unknowing and unwittingly accepting the roller coaster of emotions we experience brought on by today’s challenges. Without understanding where we are dispensing our emotional energy, it becomes difficult to build the other EI competencies.

We’ve all become so accustomed to today’s intensifying challenges that we hardly recognize when the heat is turned up. And when we are no longer able to cope with the pace of these intensifying challenges, we experience negative emotions, which, in turn increases our stress level. While the detrimental effects of stress are well-documented, it’s surprising that many people don’t recognize they are experiencing negative emotions, which, in turn, compound their stress.

Beth’s Story:

Because she worked in a technical area , Beth, one of my Emotional Intelligence program participants, couldn’t imagine that EI could have any impact on people’s performance. The idea seemed unbelievable. In addition to her highly analytical nature, the organizational culture reinforced the concept that emotions played no role in her work. Beth also carried this belief over into her personal life. During our goal-setting interview at the beginning of the program, Beth indicated that she was not aware of her emotions and they couldn’t possibly be of any significance to her work. Beth also shared that her colleagues were difficult to work with. Because she was not aware of from her emotions, Beth did not recognize the emotional affect she had on other people. In addition, Beth’s boss sensed that she was at the bottom of all her problems. He perceived that Beth’s difficulties were due to her lack of emotional self-awareness, distant behavior and insensitivity to others.

As a result of the training program, Beth started to practice the simple, proven Emotional Intelligence techniques she learned in order to increase her emotional self awareness. Beth and I met for her first coaching session. With tears in her eyes, Beth shared that she now realized that she did have feelings and those emotions that were negative were negatively impacting her relationships both at home and at work. Beth recognized that when she distanced herself, her co-workers felt that she was unapproachable. Beth shared her insight with her boss, in confidence. Before this discussion Beth’s boss was not aware that she had no idea about her behavior and its effect on her colleagues. With this new insight, Beth’s boss was more willing to supporting and listening to her.

Beth’s experience is not uncommon. Many of us go about our daily lives lacking an awareness of our feelings and how our feelings might be impacting our relationships. As a culture, we are predisposed to disregarding emotions. Our focus seems to be on getting the work done. We don’t seem to recognize that disregarding emotions can be detrimental to effectiveness and productivity.

Without the awareness of the critical importance of emotions, we lack insight into how our negative reactions to situations, events and people are affecting us and those around us. Our negative emotions can start upwards of 1400 biochemical events, some of which result in physiological changes such as increased blood pressure, heart rate, adrenaline and cortisol (the stress hormone). These events negatively impact our physical energy, mental clarity and personal effectiveness. Experiencing these negative emotions can cause us to be highly reactive, displaying behaviors such as anger and defensiveness which may cause others to avoid us. And when others view us as unapproachable, we can loose their valuable help, insights and suggestions.

Where Do You Start?

Start by recognizing when you are experiencing negative emotions. List those times and the situations both at work and at home when you notice those negative emotions. For example, you may feel frustrated on Sunday night when you think about all the work facing you the next week. Or you might feel angry when you see a certain person who always seems to waste your time. Or you might feel anxious when you learn a deadline is shortened. Identifying and listing these events helps you realize those things that trigger negative emotions.

Next, develop an emotional vocabulary by naming the emotions the identified triggers evoke. Expand your vocabulary to include positive emotions you experience during fun times. You will start to become more emotionally self-aware as you recognize and name the emotions you are experiencing. Over time, notice where you are expending most of your emotional energy. When you find yourself feeling negative emotions, use some simple, emotional management techniques, to transform those feelings into positive, productive energy.

About the Author

Byron Stock, a former engineer and director of corporate education has focused in the area of Emotional Intelligence Competence for over a decade. He guides individuals and organizations toward excellence by helping them develop their EI as a powerful tool to lead change, achieve strategic objectives and create resilient, high performing organizational cultures. Learn about Byron’s quick, easy, proven techniques to harness the power of your Emotional Intelligence in his new book, SMART EMOTIONS for Busy Business People available through his website www.ByronStock.com